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Excuses

by courtlyn louise

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1.
I guess we're not a match I guess I lost my chance but I guess we're not as broken here as "I think it would be best" seemed to be I thought we'd have it good but now I'm thinking I should not have spilled the beans so fast 'cause now I think you're moving past from me I'm not even around to say "let's try again another day" tell me what you feel I thought this could be real but now that's just a fantasy 'cause you said your name and you left me I'd glance and make your glasses change and we could sleep the day away again time is cruel there were no rules it seemed so strange that you'd make lists, the same as my brain insaaaaaaaane I know my luck ran out but maybe we'll still shout from every single rooftop here we'll try again another year
2.
is my makeup running? can you tell I'm crying? I thought about crashing my car I wasted everything for just a little bit of bliss before the dawn I dyed my hair so I wouldn't look like someone who'd hurt you I have no excuses to tear you apart, I know it's not worth it I hope that someday, this blows past our ears like a breeze in the grass I'm marking the days, I've got blood on my hands and a heart full of glass my feet are soggy my brain is cold I'm walking alone and I'm sick of this feeling I'm watching unfold
3.
I'm out of touch with no release and throwing out what I don't eat but I'm sure that I won't defeat myself in the back of my own mind where I'm camped out I'm telling lies and making jokes avoiding intersecting roads in my head, where my bed just feels alone, oh oh but I don't believe what I just said I don't know what it is I need I can't just drain my head for free and I don't believe I don't receive enough from me in regards to my own company I don't expect the evening to fly around with me and I don't expect the regal to buy a round for me I admit that I'm really just trying to get by I admit that I'm really just tentative and dry oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh I can't be sure that I'm alright but the shifting in my brain feels just fine and the ringing in my ears has me holding tight and I'm trying to make the most of my life
4.
it doesn't make it easier that now and then I'm easier I can't help myself it's getting hard to break away but I can't shake away the pain I can't help myself and people like you make it so much harder and no, I don't mean in that way I run away, hiding, and you find ways to kick down my doors, always getting home with you at night I try and say that I'm alright but I don't feel that way you said a lot of things that night that didn't make me feel alright and that shit's not okay and you think you're charming and sexy and sweet but I'm here to tell you you're just a fucking creep and maybe you'll finally get a woman when you learn to listen to the things that she says and believe her I can't believe you fucking lied you said you had an alibi but now I feel misled you can't just squeeze a neck so tight hoping it'll go alright and I don't miss your bed and making excuses won't stop all the fuses from burning right up in your face and maybe next time you will listen when a woman says she doesn't like it that way and you'll just say, "okay"
5.
I'm packing up my bags and leaving town I wanna find a place where I won't see your face around maybe denver or tennessee maybe I'll find someone who won't make me want to leave I'll change my sheets and go to bed and try to scrape off the bad feelings that linger in my head close my eyes and count to ten and hope that next time, this won't happen again all I do is dream of what I don't have floating down a stream, trying to pick from two halves of a life I once had I'm making up my own mind for the first time in my life I know what I want and I know that it's more than just a wife I'm trying to take care of what the world wants from me but not before I can take care of me all I do is scream, but I still cannot hear I'm afraid to fall, and upset all the gears that spin my whole life what I say I want is alone time, but not as much as I give myself I really just want to be with someone, but not someone I'd put on a shelf hold on x2 'cause I guess we made it here alone

about

quick and dirty lil demo ep while i get my shit together

track 2 cw: brief mention of suicidal ideation

credits

released January 16, 2019

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about

courtlyn louise New Jersey

courtlyn louise (she/they) is a queer singer/songwriter and musician. armed with a baritone ukulele, their music and vocal style draw influence from folk, alt-rock, and contemporary musical theatre, combining conversational and metaphorical lyrics with flavorful chords and dynamic melodies 🌿

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